Small victories

My anger collapsed in on itself around day four after they managed to clear the spell that I was under. The dregs that were left dragged my mood down and beat it with a stick until it was twitching. I tried to keep up with the kids, Jude, and Murphy; but I got tired easily in the days that followed the collapse. Ben has been supportive to the point where I get frustrated with him.

I am not an invalid, though I feel that way when people keep doing things for me that I would normally do myself. I try to explain to them that I need to do these things to feel better, but they’re determined to do it for me. It makes me frustrated to the point of tears most days. I am not the person that I was before the spell took hold of my body and mind.

So when Murphy showed up at my bedroom door on the second Saturday in April, I was thrilled to get out of the house with her.

“Get up. Get dressed. We’re going out,” she said as she flipped the curtains open.

I hissed at her and flicked a hand, drawing them back over the windows by their metal hangers. She put her hands on her hips and stared me down.

“You’re not going to get better if you don’t get out of this house, child.”

I pulled the pillow off my head and glared at her.

“Says the woman who won’t let me do things for myself. What’s your deal? First it’s ‘Marlowe don’t do that, I’ll get it for you,’ Now it’s ‘get your arse out of bed.’ Will you make up your mind?” I ranted.

Murphy smiled at me, but there was something about the way her lips twisted that made me shove my head back under the pillow.

“Girl you were trying to climb a ladder to get something off a top shelf. I stopped you because it’s heights and you’re not dealing with them well right now.”

“Semantics,” I shouted from under the pillow. A cold draft let me know she had pulled the covers off me. As I searched for them with one hand, Murphy lifted the pillow off my head.

“It’s not and you know it,” she said softly. “Come on, Marlowe. We’re all worried about you right now and a fresh air would do you some good.”

I laid there for a few minutes while considering my options. It was a pretty nice day outside and I had been stuck inside for weeks. It would be good to get out of the house for a little while. I looked up at Murphy and sighed.

“Fine. I’m getting up, but I need to shower and dress.”

“Take your time. I’ll be downstairs,” she said as she walked to the door. “I love you, Marlowe. I hope you know that.”

She slipped out before I could answer. I sat on the bed, staring out the window. The tears started before I could stop them. I was so frustrated with being depressed. I knew it wasn’t my fault, it was the spell, but there was still some anger left in me over what happened. It depressed me further, to the point where I just wanted to crawl back in to bed.

The baby chose that moment to kick and surprise me. I laid a hand on my belly, sitting there and feeling the life inside me move around. The tears that came while I was getting up to shower were good ones.

It takes me awhile to shower now, so I wasn’t surprised when a half an hour went by between getting in and coming back out so I could dress. Picking out clothing was harder than I imagined, the feelings of annoyance with jeans that were hard to button threatened to bring me to tears again. I pushed my feet into a pair of slides and made my way downstairs, smiling a little bit as I heard my boys and their shouts drift up from the Great Hall.

As I hit the bottom step, my reluctance to go any further in the house swamped me. I loved my children, but I did not want to deal with them at that moment. I made a move for my phone, hitting the speed dial for Ben. He picked up after the first ring.

“Baby? What is it? Is it the baby? Are you okay?”

I sniffled at his tone, he cared so much. “You’re right. I’ll see the therapist.”

I heard Ben sigh. “I’ll make the appointment for you. You’ll like her, ‘Lowe.”

“I’ll see her, Ben. Then make up my own mind.”

Ben let out a huff and a little chuckle. “You’re still you, even though you’re sad right now. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll see you tonight. Text me with the appointment.”

“Will do. Be safe.”

I hung up the phone and sat in the chair outside the dungeon door. I was still there with the phone in my hand when Murphy came into the hall way.

“Good. You’re dressed. Now grab your damn coat and let’s go before you chicken out again.”

I smiled a little and Murphy patted my cheek.

“You’ll be all right dear.”

I nodded and put my coat on, before getting up to follow her out to the car. Maybe getting out of the house wouldn’t be so bad at all.

Or maybe it would.

It’s dangerous business, going out your door.

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